Clueless

The lips of fools bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating. Proverbs 18:6

 I cannot tell you how excited I was to discover this verse. I was even more excited when I heard author/speaker Steve Arterburn give his interpretation. He says it means if someone says something stupid to you, you get to hit them. I gave him a standing ovation.

Humans. We’re a funny bunch. And by funny I mean what Steve said – stupid. But we’re not allowed to say that word at my house. So I’ve come up with another one. Clueless. It sounds more polite, but it’s actually not. To be completely and utterly without a social clue. That’s not pretty. It comes in many forms, this clueless thing. A rude comment. A slap in the face disguised as a joke. Sometimes I think we just repeat things we heard someone else say, having no idea how truly thoughtless we're being. But how do we get that way? How is it that some of us manage to go through daily life without someone grabbing our little faces and saying, “Excuse me, you’ve just put your cluelessness on display for all the world to see, but don't worry. I’m here to help.  It's a 12 step program, but first we need to know where it all started for you. So who do we call?  Who is responsible for your having no idea how to communicate like a grown-up? Your mother? Is it her fault you have no tact? Did she ever tell you that it’s OK to have an unexpressed thought?”

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had moments of my own. Many, many moments when someone should’ve grabbed my face and said, “Stop talking. Stop talking now.” But they didn’t, and I ended up making a clueless fool of myself.  I have no doubt people have gotten into their cars at the end of an evening with me and said things like, “Can you believe her? Did I hear her right?” I’ve said some really dumb things. But I like to think I’ve learned from those awful memories. It’s the ones who never seem to learn anything and yet continue to be allowed to roam free that amaze and astound me.

“You OK?” they asked.

“Me? Yes, I’m fine! Why?”

“You look sick.”

Um…what? Now if I had been feeling under the weather, I would have welcomed the sympathy. But I was dandy. I’d stood in front of the mirror for an hour and a half applying full make-up and perfecting my hair. (You thought I was gonna say duct taping myself, didn’t you?) I’d even remembered all my vitamins and taken in plenty of fluids that day. I’m not sure why this person felt compelled to ask. Maybe despite my best efforts, I looked horrible. But still, why risk it? I mean, unless I’ve indicated that I’m under the weather, or I’m bleeding from the nose or mouth and seem to need assistance standing erect, why in the world would you tell someone they don’t look well?

Too benign? OK how about this. I was a blonde once. Here’s what went down when a 'friend' saw me for the first time.

“You’re blonde!!”

“Yea!”

.....uncomfortable pause...."You don’t really have the coloring for that.”

After I came to, having passed out from sheer mortification, I thought of all the things I should have said. If only I’d known about that verse…

And it gets worse than just insulting my appearance. Someone once told me I wasn’t parenting correctly. No, they didn’t come right out and use those words, but isn’t the inference behind “You should not home school your kids” that I’m doing it wrong? No question as to why I’d made that choice. Just a bold statement that it wasn’t the right one. For my children. Whom I birthed. Long and laboriously and without their assistance, thank you very much.

And speaking of birth, how about that heartfelt question people ask when they hear of a baby on the way to a household that all ready has a few.  “Again?” or “What number is this?” And I’m not talking about the well-meaning folks who truly want to know. I mean we really can lose count with some people, can’t we? I have a friend of a friend up north and because we’re not consistently in touch, I missed a baby or two and I had to ask what number the last one was!  It happens. But I’m referring to those nurturing folks who are asking because they think that particular number of existing children is just too many. Never mind that God says children are a gift and a blessing from the Lord. We do have a carbon footprint to consider, after all, and don't they know how much this is going to cost them and their planet? Don't they know what causes that? Well, yes. Yes, they do, and apparently they're pretty good at it. I have an idea. How about you ask God all your 'I'm more enlightened than you' questions? Ask Him why He keeps blessing those people. Tell Him how absurd and expensive it is. Go ahead. I’ll wait here.

I don’t remember what I said most of the times I’ve encountered the clueless. But I have to warn you, I don’t intend to be caught off guard anymore. No more fainting in humiliation. I’ve been rehearsing several scenarios. I don't have anything for hair color yet, and I don't think I'll need it anytime soon because I happen to enjoy being a brunette. (I wonder why?) But here’s one in particular for all future unsolicited parental instruction:

“I’m sorry. Forgive me. How could I have been so blind? All these years my husband and I have been praying for wisdom in raising our children. Asking God for discernment so we would know what is best for them as individuals. And now, suddenly, in this very moment, I realize I should not have been asking their Creator. I should’ve been asking YOU!! Thank you! Thank you for setting me straight. I get it now, and I’ll be calling you for all future life decisions. Like when she should be allowed to drive. Or when she thinks she’s found ‘the one.’ We’ll want to make sure we get those right, so I’m putting’ you on speed dial. Number one. Right now.”

And if that doesn’t work, I’m invoking Proverbs 18:6 and saying Steve and God said it was OK.