What Is That To You?

I need bricks to fall to learn something. And not just once. I should keep a mason on hand. And an ambulance for the trauma to my head, because I keep hitting it against this same wall.

I have these great light bulb moments and I think I've got something conquered. And for a while, I do. But there is one thing. One besetting sin that has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember, only I didn't know it. And it has affected everything I do. Colored the way I see the world, and I just realized that most of the time, I'm seeing red.

I've always thought of myself as a mature Christian. I know God's Word. I've hidden some of it in my heart and can quote it to you. I've been through painful situations, and although I may have stumbled through them with about as much grace as a bull in a china cabinet, I came to the other side with my faith intact. But a daily, moment by moment maturity is a whole different animal.  A heart of real faith is always growing and strengthening, not just surviving on what it learned from yesterday's pain. And lately, I've been one aorta short of a heart of faith. 

This, in itself, is a dandy epiphany, but without putting my finger on the cause of it, I'm doomed to short-lived victory again. So God, being God and all, sent me something last night, in the quiet of my room.

It was a brick.

Actually, it was several.

"Lord, I am tired of this. I feel so insignificant. So disregarded. I know in my head these things aren't true, but they FEEL true, so how do I deal with that? Why have you let this happen? Why won't you do something? Why don't you take away the pain? Or the people who cause the pain? See, then I could press through this because they wouldn't be around to make me feel bad. I'll even give up television, cause Lord knows -- I mean YOU know -- how bad that can make me feel. One hour of viewing and I'm mad cause my husband doesn't act like that, my body doesn't look like that, my tan - the one that magically made me 5 lbs lighter -  has faded, and there's no halo-like light around my face every time people look at me. So I can live without that. But would You just take care of the other stuff? The REAL people? Then I know I could get stronger and stop getting knocked down. And if I stop getting knocked down then I'd grow and mature and life would be better and that's what You want for me, right? Consistent maturity. Not this stop & start stuff but real growth. So yea. That's a superb plan. Move 'em out and I'll be great."

"Well, I could to that. But what are you doing about you?"

Brick Number One.

"I...well I'm right here, reading Your Word. See I'm right here in the Beatitudes. Sermon on the Mount stuff. It says you'll bless if I'm more merciful. And meek. I can do meek."

"Uh-huh. So You want my blessing?"

"I do! I NEED it! I'm drowning!"

"In what?"

"In weakness. In the world's opinions of me."

"I see. And, what is that to you?"

Brick Number Two.

"Well I know I'm not supposed to care, but..."

"But what? What is that to you?"

"I see where this is going. Peter, right? You said 'follow Me' to him and he asked You about the other guy. I remember. We've been down this line of questioning before."

"Yes, we have. My question is how did we get here again?"

"All righty. You asked for it. It's because You keep leaving me out! You're ignoring me! God, you are not paying attention."

"I see."

"Do You? Do you really? Cuz I'm not kidding! You keep taking me into these hard seasons, and not only that, but while I'm here in the dark of this winter, everybody else is singin' summertime! What is UP with that? What have I done? Why are You mad at me?!"

"You think I'm mad at you?"

YES! And You know what? It makes me mad right back! I don't deserve this! I've served you all my life!"

"Have you?"

"Don't do that. Don't keep answering my questions with questions."

"I'm sorry. What would you have Me say?"

"You're doing it again! Can we get back to me here?"

"No problem. Let's get back to you. I'm not mad at you."

"Then why? Why are You blessing everybody else except me? Why aren't you answering ME? My prayers? My PLEADINGS?"

"Have you pleaded? Because I don't recall that. I recall a lot of judging others on why they shouldn't be receiving blessing. I recall you taking up an offense for others whom you feel have been slighted and asking Me why I haven't fixed it. You've yelled at me for not healing you. I don't mind that, but I don't remember any pleading. I don't remember you admitting you needed Me. "

Brick Number Three.

"I....pft....I have it written right here in my journal. My prayers, right next to where I wrote scriptures. Where I wrote Your Word!"

"I see that, and I remember when You wrote it. I watched. But your mind was not on the right thing then. It was not on Me, or what you needed. It was on them."

"....sigh.....ok, but......"

"I was asking then, but you weren't listening."

"YOU were asking? It thought we were talking about me asking! What were you asking?"

"The same thing I'm asking now. What is that to you?"

"............I...I ... God, you don't know...there are so many other things You could allow, but why this?"

"You've claimed Me omniscient. Omnipotent. All knowing, all powerful. You even wrote it down, right there."

"But I'm so wounded. I can't get past it. Things have been so unfair. And this sickness. Unbearable."

"I see. And you think I wouldn't know about that."

"...I have no response to that."

"Well that's a start. You've had a lot of answers for how I should handle things of late. Not having one is a nice change."

"That hurt."

"I know, but it has to be said. You've been angry, and I don't mind. Things have been hard. Bad things have happened to you while good things have happened to others. You've tried to retreat because being around those good things when you're hurting is painful. You're tired, I know. I've allowed you some time for that. For grief and sorrow. But you haven't come to Me, really come to Me, in a long time."

"I read Your Word almost every day..."

"I know. But it hasn't helped. And I know why."

"Why?"

"Because you weren't reading with your heart open. You weren't really seeking Me, or listening to Me. You were focused on everything and everyone else. What they said. What they didn't say. What I was doing in someone else's life. What I wasn't doing in yours. I've been trying to talk to you. To comfort you and encourage you. To show you what comes next. But you just wouldn't listen."

"I....I was looking on someone else's paper."

"Yes."

Brick Number Four.

"I was looking at someone else's paper and trying to take their test instead of my own. And the Teacher gives us each a different test, so looking at their paper is...pointless...ludicrous...meaningless..."

"Now you remember. We have been here before."

Silence.

"It's ok."

"I'm so sorry. For not listening. For being so selfish. For self-righteousness. For not focusing on You. Your plan. Your heart for me. For not looking for You in every circumstance. For trying to apply Your Word to everyone else's life but mine. For looking at their test papers. For being Peter again."

"It really is OK. You can see from my Word how much I loved him. And how much I love you. I'm not mad at you. I have not forgotten you. You and your life are special. Precious. Purposed. Meaningful. Sometimes people will disregard you. Sometimes I will not give you what you think you want. But that doesn't mean you are insignificant. You are never insignificant to Me. I want you to remember this. Remember. Remember that waiting on Me brings strength. Growth. Maturity.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides Me who acts on behalf of those who wait for Me."

"Thank You isn't enough but it's all I can find. Thank You for loving me. For having purpose for me. For always bringing me back, even when I don't know I've left."

"I love you, Tamara. I know your name. The number of hairs on your head. The words you're unable to speak. I know it all. And I love you."

Less than 24 hours after this conversation with my Father, I received a card in the mail from a precious friend. She told me how much she loved me. And she reminded me how many other people I have in my life who do, too. 

Brick Number Five.  

God is not just good. He's very thorough.


(I'd like to thank my former pastor Gary Miller for teaching me that looking on someone else's test paper is a sure way to hit a brick wall of discouragement, doubt and fear. I'm praying to hold on to that lesson once and for all.)